Dear Carolyn,

My boyfriend of six months and I broke up very recently and I was pretty upset about this. But we both go to all of the same social and charity events. It's awkward to attend these parties and see him there with a date or flirting with other women. Should I ask him to stop going to the same parties? Should I stay home for awhile? I want to get out there and meet someone new but I'm having a hard time with this when my ex boyfriend is lurking over my shoulder. Please advise.

Now might be a time to sort out your feelings, take a step back and take stock. What part of the situation is bothering you the most? Do you miss his friendship; are you feeling territorial, broken-hearted?

You mention that it's difficult seeing him at these events because it's painful to see him flirting with others. Sometimes we glamorize the relationship and remember only the good parts, try to think back to the worst of times and see if you still feel the same way. So, think about your reactions and try to determine which part of the flirting is bothering you.

The next step, after you've sorted out your feelings, is to determine how difficult it is to see him at these events. A little or a lot? If it still seems too painful to see him then you might want to stay away from these events versus asking him to stay away. Asking him to stay away is giving him too much power over you and he might ignore it anyway. Anyway, he has friends, and you don't want to be fodder for their discussions.

Now you have to choose between grinning and bearing it at these events or choosing to stay away. If you stay away then it is a time to plug into your friends and family. A break up is a loss that you may need to grieve; you might find yourself moving between denial, bargaining, anger, depression before you get to acceptance. Talk it out, work it out through exercise, start new healthy projects, have some healthy outlets for your anger.

Regarding the new flirtations; I wouldn't want the drama of him “lurking” over my shoulder while I try to meet someone new. Sometimes groups can get a little incestuous anyway, so don't dive into the dating pool in these old ponds. Join something new where you don't know anyone, it's nice to stretch ourselves. Anyway, give yourself time to recover, what's the rush?

If you choose to attend these events then you might think about how to re-define your relationship. Do you say hi, ignore him, or declare him as an enemy? There are many new roles he can have in your life: acquaintance is one. This frees you up to say hi, keep your distance but not dread seeing him. There must have been something you liked about this man and you can still chat with him casually and this serves two purposes. One, you show that you are the bigger person and you aren't vindictive. The other benefit is that you show you don't really care that much. This is where the old adage “fake it 'till you make it” comes into play. If you pretend to feel at peace with the situation, then you might actually begin to feel that way. Always be real with your close support system, but peripheral people don't need to know how you feel.

Whichever way you choose to go just know that in a year from know you'll be saying “Joe who?”